May 21, 2012

I always love puttering around my cozy house in stormy weather. With today’s rain and thunder pounding outside, I was totally content to cook, vacuum and do laundry. But as I sit here now at a clean desk with my little dog at my feet while Barbra Streisand wails about love on the boom box, I’m feeling…

Um, is it okay to admit that I’m getting a bit lonely?

Many people tell me that my life is both their fantasy — and nightmare. Sure, my post-divorce freedom as a creative, self-supporting single mom is delicious. As I mentioned in a recent post, going solo is happening to a lot of us, and is even perceived as an upscale trend.

Then again, there’s the other side. Does anyone really want to be alone? To be honest, I actually enjoyed marriage (at least on our good days). There are things I miss sharing: a bed, soul-baring conversation, private jokes, being called “hon.” I especially miss those throwaway moments when I get to say things like, “Babe, I’m going downstairs. Want anything from the kitchen?”

Unfortunately, I also think it’s too late for me to find true love. To be honest, Rosebud takes care of many of my companionship needs. We’re inseparable! There’s a reason people love their dogs. And I live by the words of my first shrink, who taught me the importance of living with romance every day of my life, no matter what. 

And yet — as an incurable romantic, I am wired for hope. Here are some random thoughts on that point….

*My shrink is working with me on “intimacy issues.” The latest revelation is that I define “relationship” as being with a guy in an unfulfilling way spelled f-a-i-l-u-r-e. If this sounds familiar, maybe it’s because I just recently realized that as a journalist, I hated covering hard news because it was my catch-all phrase for stories I didn’t feel I was good at. Well, if I can resolve a longstanding professional struggle, maybe I can rethink my approach to romance too.

*A friend of mine who is a feng shui master says that I should plant red flowers in the two big stone planters that I have sitting in each of the front corners of my deck. He said that these plants would put out a rock-solid romantic energy that might bring some nice guy into my life. Right now those huge pots are brimming with weeds. I don’t know…should I do something about this?

*All my buddies are bugging me to date. Bleh. In the dozen years since my divorce, all I’ve had are relationships that went absolutely nowhere. Maybe I wasn’t ready to ask for what I really wanted. Was that the problem?

*In closing, I just have to say that Barbra Streisand’s “Love is the Answer” CD makes me ache. The songs are beautiful, direct, tender and strong. Just like me. Ha.

Your thoughts? I lot of questions from me today.   :)