Making do with loss

My original plan was to make this an upbeat holiday post about a favorite inspirational quote. But I just found out that a dear, 80-something friend has died of a heart attack. So I’m feeling very sad. 

Still, the quote that I was planning to share has power, even in this moment:

“Everything you need, you already have.”

This is a line from my late therapist. Every once in a while, she’d remind me of this “fact” whenever I seemed to doubt myself. In the years since, it  has become my mantra.

Everything I need, I already have…

Saying the mantra is very hard as I mourn the sudden death of the lawyer I met more than two decades ago. Back then, I was a New York Daily News columnist covering a case that he was on. Eventually, he became a very good source. After I quit the paper to become a mommy, he became a valued personal friend.

Everything I need, I already have….

He was there for me during my early years as a Type-A-career-woman-turned-beserk-stay-at-home-mom. Later, as he counseled me on divorce and real estate matters, he brought in his partners and children on what became an ever-expanding circle of friends. I also grew to adore his wife. How wonderful that last month, my favorite couple and I met for a lunch that was filled with silly laughs.

Everything I need, I already have….

This special gentleman used to tell me that he felt like my uncle. I never said it out loud to him but in my heart of hearts, he has always been the closest thing I’ve had to a father. Since my own tyrannical dad died when I was 19, having this nurturing friend held me steady from the time we met in my early 30s until his death. Knowing he was only a phone call away always made me feel so, so safe.

Everything I need, I already have…

He gave me everything I needed. I will always have that. Maybe that’s the way to interpret the mantra right now. The only reason I’m not mentioning his name is because he died mere hours ago; people need to be properly notified. But when word gets around, I’m sure others will have lots to say about his impact on their lives.

Everything I need, I already have…

When I met him, he was a fiery, hard-drinking, overweight trial lawyer who cursed a lot. Over the years, I watched him survive multiple heart attacks and reinvent himself as a lean, vegetarian, yoga-loving, wise-ass sage. He was a man who understood the power of passionate transformation. It’s the flame that he leaves behind. Those sparks are a gift to those of us in his circle.

Everything I need, I already have…

So I guess in his passing, the mantra becomes more dimensional. It was first amplified when my late therapist was taken from us by cancer. When my mom died two years ago, I once again felt the duality of loss and completion. But I can’t go there this minute, not yet. Not now, not when I still really, really miss him.

Everything I need, I already have.