3 new ways to find love

July 19, 2012 · 10 comments

in Relationships

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Last night, I felt a twinge when a gal pal happily shared that she was about to meet a new man for a drink. And instead of being jealous, I was inspired. You go, gurrrrl! But what about me?

If there’s one thing I’m learning  in both my personal and professional life is that agonized planning is no way to live. Need a new blog logo? Just do it! Need to install solar panels on the house or meet a crushing work deadline? Do it, baby! Need companionship and romance? Just….

Hmmm. The whole idea of love has me stuck. But since many of us believe that things (good and bad) come in threes, I’ve recently gotten three messages from the cosmos that might be getting me unstuck. They qualify as new ways to find love because I wasn’t practicing them until now.  :)

Support from friends. Being around people who are actually dating is a positive influence. Having a supportive inner circle helps too. My friends are all after me to get out there, which I have viewed as annoying. But I think that it’s time for me to stop pouting and simply appreciate the fact that they care. It also helps to hear success stories, which gets me to my next point.

Getting beyond comfort zones doesn’t have to hurt — it can even be enjoyable. Two months ago, I blogged about my ambivalence over dealing with love issues and mentioned that a feng shui master suggested I clear out the weed-filled planters on my deck and fill them with red flowers to attract romantic energy. I happen to love flowers but was skeptical — until Cassandra Aoki posted a comment you can read here. She wrote about meeting her third husband closed with this:

Love will find you! You just have to recognize it when it’s standing in front of you. Maybe he’s right, you should clean out those weeds and put red flowers in those planters. I think the guy knows what he is talking about… A girl has to surround herself with beauty to attract beauty. Men like that feeling of coming home to a well kept place especially since they are more visual.

Well, last week, I did it. Wasn’t willing to invest much in the project so I bought the cheapest red flowers, spending less than $10 in total. No matter what happens, at least my deck is pretty, which is already having a positive impact. I sit out there more (enjoy the moment!). And every time I look at those red petals, I feel softer, more willing to be vulnerable.

Be willing to keep changing — because the world keeps changing. As you all know, I’ve sworn off Internet dating. Being a 50-something woman in this market has been a horror show. People find my post on this topic hilarious (read here). But I shut down two years ago and the market is different now. Older folks are finding each other on senior websites (I might be too young for that). And there are also dating apps for smart phones (might be too old for that).

If you haven’t heard of that last one, check out this post on Mashable.com: 10 Dating Apps to Help you Find True Love. Just reading  it made me feel younger, more in-the-know! And that brings me to the key to moving my life forward: staying current is a source of freedom because I am aware of options.

We always have choices — remember that.

So I’m not saying “yes.” But I’m not saying “no” anymore either. That’s a start.

 

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Skye July 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

There is something powerful about doing! Waiting for the right opportunity or person doesn’t have to mean sitting around. It can mean keeping busy. That way you don’t even notice the time gone by when that person or opportunity does show up. Love will be here before you know it! Follw the yellow brick- I mean, the red flowers!

2 betty ming liu July 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

I just ended my work day and am taking a break from making dinner. But I’m going back into the time stamp on the comments so that I can reply in order…

Thanks, Skye. I don’t know what’s worse — being defensive about being alone or acting overly perky like it doesn’t matter. I am sure that I can have a very good solo life. But it’s important for me to do that in an open way, one that isn’t shut off. :)

3 Brian July 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Betty,
You had your chance ;) These three aren’t independent either, no matter. Your blog reminds me again of how much work my yard needs. A lot! I still recall my friend meeting this woman on-line (the stalker) and how she ran away when she saw his trailer. He said I could use his place anytime I need to. When I was in the Naval Security Group I avoided getting involved with anyone. For two reasons, 1) the risks of creating a relationship, 2) the possibilty it won’t last. We had a 90% divorce rate. There was a guy I knew everytime we came back from deployment he would get dumped by his girlfriend, then he would buy a new car and find another girlfriend. Then he would be deployed again and the whole process started all over. I only got involved with women who part of NSGA. The good thing about that is she knows what you do (to a certain extent since information is compartmentalized and is “need to know”) Plus the government spent over $125,000 checking her out for you.
When I got out it was and continues to be hard getting involved with anyone. All my friends were in the navy. We traveled full-time and after the Navy I had a job with Raytheon where I traveled full-time. I have alot of interesting stories most of which I will never be able to tell.
I have been going to the VA on fridays and they have been encouraging me to do the same things. I wish it were that easy.

4 betty ming liu July 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Haha, Brian! As for your comment, we all have our patterns, don’t we? I know I have my serial relationship patterns too. I’ve been working very hard to break outta the past and be free(r). Let’s see how things go. Good luck to you as well. And I will add this — how wonderful it is to have a support network. Or even better to have several networks. I hope you all realize that you’re a circle that helps me a lot. :)

5 Toby July 19, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Of course, one should always be open to the possibilities. I have seen love arrive at many different ages and situations. However, there may also be a point where one says “perhaps that phase of my life is past” (having a live-together relationship with a significant other) Recently we had a bit of a scare. My Mike, during a routine check-up, showed some indication of prostrate cancer. It was about a month before we found out from subsequent tests that it was a false alarm and he is fine. Of course I was privately frantic with worry and worst-casing like crazy during that month. Among many other concerns, I asked my self what I would do if the worst came to pass and I was alone at my age. Would I look for another husband? I knew the answer was no, I would not. After all these years(17) with Mike, there is no way I would want someone to try to take his place. Mike is my third partner. The first two passed away – one of liver failure and the other of AIDS. There isn’t room in my head or my heart for a fourth. That does not mean an end to love however. We share love with so many people who make up our family of choice in this life and it takes so many forms and we have such an endless amount of it to give that our lives can be very full indeed, though we may be “single.” In fact, unless we are hermits in some cave, we are never single. There are always people we care about and who care about us and always love to share in many ways. So, Betty, I would say that if someone with husband/BF potential comes along, that’s great but if not then life has other sorts of love for you to enjoy. Don’t worry about it. Just relax and let life happen. I didn’t find Mike or his two predecessors because I was looking. It just happened.

6 betty ming liu July 19, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Toby, what a beautiful comment. Up until my divorce, I believed in “death do us part.’ For you to be able to live that way with a beloved most have been incredibly intense, esp since the first two relationships involved caring for a sick partner. If I had loved to that depth even once or twice, I might not wants or need more either.

I can’t even imagine being in your situation and by that I mean living a life where you have been devotedly in love three time — to the point where you are able to see each relationship through to its natural, loving end. I would be happy if it happened to me once. :)

7 jaimie July 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

love you, betty — am gonna buy red flowers tomorrow at the farmer’s market!!! xo

8 betty ming liu July 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm

And love you too! At the very least, your house will look pretty. That’s how I’m dealing with this!

9 Walter July 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

The topic and comments posted here touched me deep, they put me in my quiet place a frame of mind that had me looking back at relationships as well as friendships which are connected in a sense throughout my life and in my friends lives that I have observed.. I like the red flowers as we are connected to the earth & things around us with good vibes comes good spirits!!
You are a great woman and I truly enjoy looking through the world through your eyes. Your pleasant personality and outlook on life is something more people in this world need to have within themselves.
The man that will be with you, (I strongly feel this will happen!) take this trip through life with you with all it’s twists & turns will be the luckiest man on earth..

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